Saying Goodbye to the Blazers

Telling people goodbye is hard and feels more awkward than natural. It's not my strong suit, never has been and I have done it poorly in the past and probably won't get better at it over the years.

It's after two in the morning and I have been tossing and turning and of all things thinking about Matt and Rachel Blazer and their family of two little girls and their pets.

I lay praying for them for a time and then images just kept drifting in and out of my thoughts until I knew I had to get up and put some of these elusive thoughts down on paper as it were.

I remember early staff meetings at the Greentree offices in Kirkwood sitting around that big table in the conference room. I remember wondering what am I doing here and who are these people really? I knew Anne Simon pretty well from her years in my life already as Jessi's friend and Erin's classmate, and the many days and nights she was in our home and lives. I was getting to know the two pastors and the interns, but thought that the youth guy was sort of hard to figure out and somewhat intentionally enigmatic.

Matt Blazer. How often I would shake my head and say, "Matt, you are so weird sometimes." I just didn't get you or understand some of your reasoning or how you would get from "point A" in a topic to "point B". I would've maybe stayed at that comfortable distance, not really getting you, making a "cardboard cutout" of the real Matt. However, God knew better. He began to let me really hear your heart behind some of those random ways you communicated and I saw something in your eyes that belied the depth to your soul and feelings, no matter how the words tumbled out. You became my friend and in the process, unbeknownst to me or you you became my pastor. You wormed your way into my heart and shepherded me well before I realized it.

I remember the afternoon you came by the house when our daughter Jessica was in town. She saw you sitting on our furniture I had set out front to dry after hosing it all off and cleaning the the front porch. She said, "Mom there's a guy sitting out front on the drive in a chair with a dogsmoking a cigar." Fred and I both smiled and said, "Matt."

We invited you to come around to the side yard and sit on our deck. You said you were worried that someone would think the furniture was for sale or worse for free. It was fifty feet from the street up our driveway in the turnaround, but years later as I realized Rachel's love of "rescuing abandoned furniture" I got your concern.

We got a bowl of water for Ron, and the four of us humans proceeded to have cigars. I chided you about smoking as you were just getting ready to have treatment for your cancer. You assured me that the docs said it was fine this "one last time". I wondered how many of those you had :-)

I also remember our staff retreat. What a strange thrown together group of people for a weekend retreat at the lake in someone's beautiful condos! It was fun and even though we drove Scott mad (he asked for our thoughts on the different name options for the church...remember?) I believe it may have actually been somewhat productive.

Once the church moved to our new offices I began to get to know you better and so did Fred. So often you would say what you thought I was getting at or trying to say to the pastors and you were most often spot on! You seemed to have a much deeper soul than I had originally given you credit for. I began to see empathy and compassion and a desire to know and better understand people and what they were about. I guess I was being given the gift of watching God grow you...what a gift!

You were who we came to and let know we were leaving Riverside. It just seemed the natural thing to do. You shepherded us well and you loved us well,  we are honored to call you "friend".

Rachel, I did not have the privilege of knowing you as well as I got to know Matt, but I remember going to a baby shower at the Dames condo banquet hall or whatever you call those. I remember watching you become a person in your own right and yet always you were very much Matt's wife. You complimented him beautifully!

I was in one study (or maybe two?) with you and always loved your enthusiasm for the word and how it fit into real life for us as women, or actually how our lives fit into God's story. I watched as you deepend in relationship with so many women over time and so gracefully wore many hats throughout your years at Riverside. You dealt with the seminary years, the early days of motherhood, and some difficult parenting challenges with grace and dignity...and honesty. Thank you for that.

I have always loved your sense of humor...that is one of my love languages and you speak it well!

I think what I love too about you is your transparency that just sort of happens, it doesn't feel forced or for show, but genuine. I treasure that as much as a good sense of humor:-)

Both of you have a tenacious love for the Lord and his word, but more impressive is how it is lived out in your love for those around you that have been blessed by your friendship and your leadership.

I know the road ahead is scary, exciting, unnerving, and that you are as ready for it as you will ever be. I also know that while Matt acclimates to being a head pastor (which he will do beautifully!), Rachel, you will be charged with helping your girls adjust and getting your home established all without the "right there" support of your besties and friends here in the Lou.

Just remember you guys, take it ALL "one day at a time". You only have to be and can be in the present moment and then the next one and then the next, but not any more than that. You also still have your support network back here just a call, text, email, tweet, or whatever away.

Fred and I will be in Connecticut to visit Matt and Erin in April and the plan is to come spend a couple of days at the retreat place there and hang out with you guys. We'll see, but I like the sound of it.

Matt, you are tearing my husband's heart apart...he has deeply loved his time with you and it is so hard for him each time someone leaves. There has been lots of that over the years as we have been the ones to stay behind. As much as you sought insight and advice and wisdom from him, know you impacted his life and heart just as much!

Thank you both for allowing God to let your lives "bump up against" ours over these years. None of us ever really realizes the full impact our lives has on others, but it's nice to get glimpses of it once in a while. You have impacted our lives and many others...we love you both!

Many Changes in One Week

(written June 16, 2012)

Yesterday the other 90 year old oak tree next to our house had to be brought down. Due to building by the previous neighbors it could no longer get sustenance on that side as its root system was being covered over with concrete.

This had been a week of changes as far as long-standing “markers” in our life. We discontinued the landline after 30 years. Fred’s moving his office from where it’s been for nineteen years to Carey’s and Rich’s house, and clearing out and shutting down his shop over on Southwest from where he’s had it for 8 years. We’re curtailing our salary for the time being and living on savings as another cost containment measure.

As sad as this all can be it’s also a sign of change and God moving us into a new era!

I cried a fair amount this week and shared and talked with my girls who have shared in the grieving about the tree and the phone number.

This morning, after a sweet time of prayer with Thayne and Maria, Jorf and Korf, and Claude and Debbie here last night, I stood out on the side deck to look up at the big empty space over our house to the west, created by the removal of that tree. It was then that You filled my heart with a sense of openness and limitlessness in those skies. I recognized it as that same opening up of the heart and mind and soul that happens in the mountains or the seashore, or even in open airy architecture (Crystal Bridges Museum). Then I got it!!

The removal of the dead and dying parts of our lives opens up new vistas and horizons, bigger spaces and possibilities. It’s invigorating yet if I don’t keep my eyes on You I can easily feel lost and adrift and fear and anxiety take root. However, if I do keep my gaze on You and Your desire towards me and on the fact that You’ve given me new openness to move about and have my being in and expand our lives into, I am quieted and encouraged. My fears become excitement. My anxiety becomes anticipation.

Thank You for displaying Your vastness to me this week!
Thank You for loving my heart and the heart of my best friend and lover!

You are truly a God Who undoes me…and then settles me!

Drought

So in this unreal time in the midwest , really 50% of the country, of severe heat and drought I realized several things.

We are going through a time of testing and trial and financial problems. Our business is being downsized to contain costs and we are taking measures to try to keep it and us "in the black". 

It is not as if we haven't been here before, but this time the overall global and national economic climate is pretty grim and longer term than in the past.

What God has been teaching my heart during this present season is that my nourishment, my life-giving water and sustenance is not to be found here in this world system, nor our generating an income, but in Him alone.

Right! I thought I had been taught this before! Ah! He goes deeper with me this time, burning away more dross, pruning back my life more severely. There is always more dross, there is always more that can be pruned. Yet the closer I get to reflecting the image of Christ in me, the more painful and difficult it becomes letting go of some of these other gods I've clung to in my life.  

So, I stand firm on God and Who He is and His Truth, He IS truth! I drink from the Living Waters when I grow weary and feel faint and fear losing heart...losing faith. 

It's becoming clearer and clearer to me that I have nothing apart from Abba, my Daddy God! I have no skills, no abilities, no resources, no support systems that will never fail, never run out, never turn away from me...but my God!


In July 5th's  Streams in the Dessert the reading was about  being led into the dessert to find or receive back our vineyards. It was based on Hosea 2:14-15

I really hope that in this time in the Valley of Achor, which means "troubled", I see it and recognize it as "a door of hope." And that "There [I] will sing as in the days of [my] youth."  And that "there [He] will give [me] back [my] vineyards." Hosea 2:14-15

I am thirsty and only One can quench my thirst in this dessert-like season of drought!

The Laird and His Lady Veggie Lasagna

Last night our sweet newlywed friends,Eileen and William came over for the evening and it was so fun! William is from England, near Cotswold and Eileen met him in Scotland while both were working with YWAM (Youth With A Mission). We have known and loved Eileen for many years as she has been friends with our daughter, Jessi, through high school, college and after. She spent many days and nights in our home and we love her like a daughter.

They are here on "holiday" after being married at the end of March in England.They are spending time with her family stateside for a bit.

These are the gorgeous roses they brought to us!

I asked what type of food they enjoyed and Eileen said they both were getting more into vegetarian.

So I, of course turned to my son-in-law, Matt, who is a vegetarian, and our daughter, Erin, for new ideas on some vegetarian recipes.

Erin had just made a new one the night before last and it sounded wonderful so I went with it.

She gave me a very loose recipe and the ingredients she chose and then I came up with some additions and VOILA:

Vegetarian Polenta Eggplant Lasagna

Preheat oven to 375*

1 or 2 rolls of Trader Joe's Organic Polenta

1 jar of Organic Basil Marinara Sauce

Approx 1/2 jar of TJ's Pesto Sauce

1 bag of frozen fire roasted peppers and onions (thawed ahead of time a bit)

1-2 cloves fresh garlic finely chopped

3-4 baby bella mushrooms sliced

1 small or 1/2 large eggplant med sliced

2 cups finely shredded mozzarella cheese

Slice one package of the polenta 1/2 in. thick.

Layer as much as will fit into the bottom of a class baking dish. I used a 9 x 12" dish.

Layer 1/2 of the marinara sauce on top of the polenta.

Mix the chopped garlic with the thawed veggies and layer that over the sauce.

Layer 1/2 the shredded cheese.

Layer the mushrooms.

Drop pesto sauce by little spoonfuls on and around mushrooms.

Layer the sliced eggplant.

Top with one more layer of polenta slices 
Cover with the remainder of the marinara sauce.

Bake at 375 for 25 minutes

Top with remaining shredded cheese and bake an additional 15 minutes.

Let stand a bit to give the juices time to settle and be somewhat absorbed.Can be a little liquidy because of the frozen veggies, but the longer it sets the less liquid there is.

There's really no wrong way to make this or layer it or what you choose to put in it and it was so yummy...and today we get to be excited about leftovers for dinner!!!!

So, I've dubbed my version of my sweet, pregnant daughter's recipe "The Laird and His Lady Lasagna" in honor of our friends William and Eileen.

Waiting!!!

Why is it that waiting is so hard?

I'm sure it has something to do with our need to be in control and independent.

I was thinking a lot about this because our family is waiting for the imminent birth of our daughter Erin's baby. We are at the "any moment" time and yet it could be a while.

She's due May 3rd.

Everything I am planning for this week and the next all are prefaced with, "If the baby doesn't come" statements.

God asks us to live fully in the present and we have a very difficult time with that command.

What's so funny about that is that we are not capable of living in anywhere BUT the present. Yet, we act and plan as though we are certain that the next moment, day, week, month, or even year is ours to fill in the blanks.

Obviously, we have to make plans and have some structure to our future, but it's in the subtle attitude that it will play out just as we expect it to that we see how bound and determined we are to get our way.

I have been learning, through sometimes painful ways, to place all my expectations in God and in nothing and nobody else.

He always knows what is coming and what is most glorifying to Him and best for me, His child...I don't...I'm too small-minded and earthly bound.

I also recall our first pastor's wife once talking about a word study she did on "waiting" on God. She mentioned this:

In a restaurant the word "server" and "waiter" are fairly interchangeable. There's a hint: The way we serve God is to wait on Him...actively wait on Him. We wait until we know what He wants (dare I say needs?) from us and then we serve in that way. Sometimes he just wants us to be there with Him and fully available, but not doing anything that feels productive to us. It just makes Him happy to know we are there...waiting.

I still remember after my dad died the long hours of standing and talking with people at the funeral parlor at the visitation. I was exhausted, sad, and felt like nobody really understood what it was to lose my daddy. I was a "daddy's girl"! 

At some point in those hours I realized that every time I glanced across the room there was my girlfriend Bobbi, just hanging out and she would look over at me and smile softly and nod.

She was just there, but her presence and the fact that when I needed anything I knew could make eye contact with her and let her know with a glance, meant the world to me and eased my heart in those hours.

Maybe it's a little like that with God. He tells us not to fret and we look all over the room, but not at Him. He tells us "just wait on Me" and and we run about making endless plans and stressing out. We could either take the role of Bobbi and be available to God trusting Him to let us know when we should act, "actively waiting"; Or we could even take the role of me and know that He is in the room, in our lives waiting, always there and available, and just make eye contact with Him.

Either scenario, either way, waiting is really only hard when we don't trust Who it is we're waiting on...and He has proven himself over and over again in my life. So. I wait...my expectations are in You alone Lord...at least for this moment...for right now!

Crying At the End of A TV Show (Spoiler Warning!)

Just watched the final show in the fourth season of Doc Martin (BBC Show) and I could not believe that I cried and cried at the ending scene!
No! Not because that's all we can watch until Season Five is released onto Amazon Prime, but because of the subject matter.

SPOILER WARNING!

The Doc's ex girlfriend Louisa has their baby right at the end of the show literally as the character, Doc Martin, the village GP is heading out of town, moving back to London to return to a career in vascular surgery.

The birth scene totally took me by surprise.
I realize that between my (crazy:) love of having birthed all three of our children "naturally" and the fact that our daughter Erin is due within the next few weeks at the latest and has invited me to attend the actual birth...I am an emotional wreck when it comes to anything childbirth!!

I cannot believe that I once again get to first hand be a witness to a miracle of epic proportions.
Thank you Erin and Matt!

At one time I was encouraged to become a prepared childbirth instructor, but I just never got around to it.
Silly me!!!

When my daughter-in-law, Missy, had her second child, Teddy, she invited me to watch the video of the birth a week or so after he was born. I cried during that as well. It was beautiful! Birth is beautiful! She was beautiful!

When our friends Edward and Sonja asked me to photograph the birth of their little one I was honored and thrilled! When it happened all I could do was continue to shoot photos, not pause to reflect or cry. It was so amazing. Like quiet thunder. That is the best analogy I could come up with for a new life slipping into this realm, powerfully and yet with quiet strength and power! I sat in the parking garage afterwards and grinned and cried and called my best friend to share the moment with her.

I am so thankful to God for the amazing opportunities to be present for or watch the births of these babies to some people I love very much. However, I have to wonder at my visceral response anytime I see a birth, even on a television show.

I can only assume that childbirth is one of those times the window into God's miraculous power is opened just a bit...just enough to cause our breath to catch, our heart to skip a beat,  and remind us that He's in charge and is indeed the Creator of life!

Yeah, I think it's one of those times!

So, I've been thinking. Nothing like my youngest child, Jessi, turning thirty to cause me to ruminate a bit. (And is Josh really going to be thirty-five?!?!)


Fred and I have been together for 40 years next month, as we met and were thereafter inseparable the first week in May of 1972!


My daughter, Erin is presenting us with the first child by one of our daughters! A big event, really a miracle, considering their story. 


Our oldest grandchild, Sonya, starts kindergarten in the fall!


Inevitably, we both turn sixty this year! Surprising for some reason, to my sensibilities!!


Erin and I started gentle yoga and I have continued on and love it!!! My core strength may actually be slowly reappearing!!!


I have experienced the deep-in-my-gut awareness that I am an orphan in this world, and at times that wakes me at night and I have to swallow down the fear and pray against the anxiety that accompanies the realization that on my side of the family we are the oldest generation!!


I am attempting to finish and start several writing projects...AND PUBLISH at least one of those...as I meet with my friend Jackie and spur her on in her writing endeavors and try to get myself going as well.


I have several photos waiting to be dry-mounted and then find somewhere to display them and hopefully sell them all!


I have almost finished wrapping up all the loose ends, etc, with my mom's things and her estate. That has sat heavy on my heart and  I realized the need to move fast to finish it up and get it all out from in front of me! The photos are at once saddening and cathartic. I will be scanning quite a few of those!


Fred and I are loving being involved in music once again as well as being back "home" in a non-denominational church! 
The mix of people at U City Family Church is so right!


I will be at the birth, God willing, of Erin and Matt's little one and that is a blessing beyond words!!! If they should change their minds, I will understand, but truly hope it all works out for me to witness the birth!!


"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." (Serenity Prayer)