When I Thought My Only Companions Were Grief and Sorrow...Then Came Joy

I was raised being told that it was not good to wallow in your grief and sorrow. Now, I do believe that slipping into self pity is non productive and can lead to despair. However, I have learned that grief and sorrow are best listened to, experienced fully, and can not only deepen our capacity for empathy, but our capacity for joy as well.

I experienced an almost suffocating layering of losses and sorrow in 2010. My mother’s slow death process, a loved one's second separation in their short marriage (which God eventually redeemed and it is thriving!), the undeniable reality of the dysfunctional relationship between a first family member, their family, and the rest of our family all left me feeling numb and flat and yet with an ache somewhere deep inside.

No amount of distraction or discussion eased any of it.

My counselor had encouraged me to start a gratitude journal when my mom first started her downward spiral. So, I already had the daily practice in place, but  during this season of even more pressing in I often had to truly meditate on and dig for what I was thankful for. Then at other times I just had to look out the window and see the skies, the breeze blowing the grasses and flowers and leaves on the trees.

There was the laughter and questions and snuggles from our two grandchildren at that time. Holding a child is so soothing and reminds us of how holistic life truly is. Listening to a beautiful song or piece of music. Air conditioning in a stifling, heat-soaked summer filled with constant time at the nursing home and yet the inverse: Stepping out of the air conditioned building into the scorching heat and feeling the warm sun soak into my chilled, exhausted soul and body and reveling in the sounds of life outdoors. Laughter with my familial sister, and laughter and tears with my sister of the heart who was in the same exact place in her journey with her mom...that's true companionship. Crawling into bed at night with a husband who went with the flow during this season of long days, interruptions to our own activities, the uncertainty that was a constancy around meals and short getaways. His arms were always waiting, his ears and heart always attentive, and his honesty at times was just what I needed to hear.

So, when I have chosen to reflect back on those last three and a half years of my mom’s life and especially the last eight months it can be overwhelming, but then I take out my gratitude writings and am undone by how closely I was tracking with God, seeing him with me every moment as I read the words of gratefulness I penned in some of the harshest, hardest moments I had experienced up to that time.

Joy was finding its way into deep, dark recesses in my core. The realization as I look back and see Immanuel with me in every moment, those good ones and those hard ones, opens up something inside of me. It’s akin to what it feels like when your muscles and body are sore and aching and someone gives you a back rub, or you get a good massage….you realize there are places that are tender that you had no idea about and the immediate discomfort of the pressure on them slowly releases a warmth and a feeling almost of euphoric relief. Because the purpose of the pressure is not to cause more pain and tension, but to identify it and relieve it, dispersing toxins and soothing and calming our minds and bodies. This is what knowing, looking for and seeing Jesus in those hard places and seasons can do for us. We realize we are not alone, we are never alone..and sometimes the comfort and the peace come flooding in and at other times those holy salves seep into our hearts and take up residence in a previously shut off portion of those numbed heart pockets.

I am not talking about jovial happiness. What I am sharing about is a strong, unyielding undercurrent of peace-filled joy. Joy wrapped in a blanket of shalom. It is what allows those we read about historically, and even present day people we look up to, to suffer well. Jesus does not always remove the suffering, no, that is true, but he comes and stands by us, sits with us, puts his arms around us, and even invites us to crawl into his lap, letting us know we will never, ever have to suffer alone...like he did...because that was already taken care of, the lonesomeness, when he spoke the words, “It is finished” from the cross.

I weep thinking of him losing his earthly father here, then hearing of his cousin John’s long imprisonment and eventual horrible death, his friends and followers abandoning him during his darkest hours. It breaks my heart, but then I realize the complete empathy and perfect love and never ending, never tiring desire to always be with me was partially borne out of his own losses, struggles, and grief and I exhale and crawl into his lap. Therein lies my joy.  

Love Letter to My Tribe

A shout out prayer and hope to my tribe. We are stronger than we look, yet our relational hearts are tender and love fiercely. May we wake up every day ready to adventure on and journey on. May we spark hope, creativity, and a little non status quo into the generations following us. Yes, may we be willing and brave enough to step outside the box when the box is irrelevant, a form of bondage, or downright shameful... May we recreate the box. May we stop comparing ourselves to one another, rating our worth by what others say or think, and may we see our worth as God sees it... His very image in us! We are his beloved and precious in his sight. He designed us for a glorious purpose and empowers us to live that out in small ways and sometimes big ways. He also offers and invites us to rest. Rest in him and rest from our work, in order to re-enter into it re-energized and refreshed and refocused. Yes, we may wear many hats, but those are what we do, not who we are. May we never confuse the two in our lives nor in our sisters' lives. Hold one another's hands, look each other in the eye, hold one another up when any of us are too weary to stand, and be willing, always willing to be a part of rewriting the true story. The story many of us have found ourselves in was fictionalized by those that saw women as a problem or a threat. We are not a threat, not to other women or those who value us as whole people, but may we be a force to be reckoned with, tearing down the strongholds that hold us back and hold us down and rebuild a world for the next generations of women that fully utilizes ALL humankind's strengths and gifts. Love you all... You are valuable!

Cartwheeling Through the Subtle Shades and Colors of Life

 Something I'm realizing as I get older is that I no longer see things so black and white, so set in stone as far as my opinions, my beliefs, and my worldviews. It's actually very comforting and a relief to not have to feel the need to defend a position, or a viewpoint. It's truly a joy to listen more than speak. For the years have taught me that in this life I am entitled to nothing, everything is a gift, and when things don't go my way I will not only survive, but most likely grow in some area.
I don't think this perspective is possible to gain only by those who have actually lived for decades though, for I have seen such an awareness come to younger persons that have endured true hardships and near death experiences.
Think cancer survivors, even children, survivors of traumatic events such as war, accidents, and horrific mistreatment. So often we call them "old souls", and rightly so, and it is appropriate to feel sympathy or compassion towards them. Many need assistance in help and recovery from such terrible things as PTSD. However, I have also found that many of them actually gain a "soul wisdom" beyond their years that can allow them to live life more fully with more awareness that life is truly a gift.
I am amused and at times I am embarrassed by my younger self when I remember how much I knew and knew what I knew was right and best. Not just for me, but for others too, especially those older than me. I was so progressive and revolutionary in my approach to life and life philosophies. When I "came to faith" , I had the right answer and I was in the right camp of believers. It was my business to convince my friends and relatives that what they believed was not quite right if it didn't fit my paradigm.
Somewhere in my thirties I began to realize the self confidence I portrayed was actually pretty thin and there were questions lurking beneath the surface. I kept those at bay, but they would break through every so often, especially as my own children entered their teen years and young adulthood.
We loved being with our kids and their friends as they all grew into their adult selves. That's when I began to let some of the musings and questions surface. That's when I became less certain that everything was contained in a neat tidy package of philosophies and beliefs and viewpoints.
At first it was scary, I admit. Then, however, something beautiful began to emerge. An awareness was growing within my mind and heart, my soul, that the God I believed in not only could handle my questions, but welcomes them!
The more I opened myself up to the thoughts and questions and fears I had stuffed for so long, the deeper my connection became with my God and with other people!
Probably one of the most influential persons in my life at that point and still today is a woman thirty three years my senior. She has the most amazing stories and a mind that is not only sharp, but always learning and expanding her horizons. As I write this she is almost six months past her ninety ninth birthday! My girlfriend and I worked with her for a while and still get together and talk and laugh and share our hearts on life and faith and relationships and even politics. Just last year we three spent an afternoon having lunch at a beautiful winery and it was every bit as much fun as my times with my peers and younger friends are.
One of my favorite sayings is, "When I grow up I want to be just like [my friend], only taller." You see this sweet woman is almost half as tall as I am!
Anyway, she has an insatiable curiosity, a solid faith and love for her God, yet allows everyone the freedom to pursue their own journey and grow to know God in the way he's designed them.
Yep, I'm pretty darned sure that "gaining wisdom" as one ages means realizing how little we really know, seeing the beauty and the value in the kaleidoscopic of people, life approaches, and more and more dropping labels and evaluations based on preconceived ideas (can we say... prejudice?).
Its wonderfully freeing and I honestly feel younger than I have in years, except for the way my body sometimes reminds me of the miles it has accumulated... But even that no longer dampens my joy that God's not done with me because he keeps expanding my horizons and its exciting to walk towards those horizons , even if I can't do cartwheels towards them anymore...In my mind I still am able to do them.