Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The End of One Era, The Start of Another

Haven't blogged because that takes time and energy and both have been on my short reserve list.

My mom passed away last week on Tuesday, July 13th at 8:08 p.m..
We were all there with her and we sang "Softly and Tenderly".
We then started singing  "I'll Fly Away" as she breathed her last three breaths and left us to be with the Lord. Fred continued singing, Vicki and I could not.
It was a sweet, powerful time. It reminded me of the power and intimacy of childbirth and actually I felt we were witnessing her leaving the body she was trapped in and being born into the arms of her Lord, new and free at last in a way she had never been here.

The first few days afterwards were a blur as anyone knows that has lost someone and has to attend to all the details of the visitation, funeral /memorial, burial, etc.
Then came Sunday.
Jessi had flown in Friday and that was amazing for me as her mom! She left on Sunday evening, we went to the Clowers for dinner and then I came home and went to bed and promptly cried so hard it hurt.
I think that the grief and the permanency of separation on this side of eternity just crashed in on me like waves, finally overwhelming all of my coping mechanisms. It is good and necessary, just hard and draining.
My girlfriend Marti who just lost her mom the week before my mom passed said it's like you're just barely functional and then grief slips in through the side door. I like that description. It's very accurate.

I have been blest with amazing friends that have loved on me and my family so beautifully in these past weeks and days it takes my breath away! If not for that I think that it would have been almost unbearable.
Even this guy I've gotten to know who works at Trader Joes gave me a gorgeous bouquet of lilies today when he heard my mom had passed away. Be aware! You never know when God might use you to bless someone.

So, now I start to make a life out of what will be a new and very different era, one without parents, without a mom. This truth is still hard to even type.

Awkward moment at the visitation:
There was an Eastern Indian family that showed up at the visitation last Thursday evening and looked at the sign in book, but didn't sign in. Then they went up and stood in a row looking at the casket and speaking softly.
I went to find my sister and asked her if they sounded like anyone she knew. She said no and I returned to the parlor. I thought, "I'm an adult, I'll go ask how they know Fae."
I walked up to them and evidently Fred followed me. I asked the question and here was the man's reply, with the rather thick Indian accent.
"I deliver flowers and I brought my wife (and indicated her) and my mother (and indicated her) to look at body."
I was stunned speechless. Were these funeral crashers?! According to my husband I then turned towards him and said in an even tone at a volume that the man could easily hear, "I find that very disturbing," and walked on away.
I kept thinking that surely I misunderstood this man, but both Fred and my nephew's girlfriend assured me that that is exactly what he said.
When I went in to the family lounge and talked my sister and the minister that would be officiating at the service the next day she said, "Well, what do they do with their bodies?"
I gave my best guesses and then Charlie, our minister friend of many years said, "Well, what do you do on family night Marsha?"
We laughed and realized if my mom would've been there she probably would've turned to them and said, "Well, what do you think?" and smiled.
Ours was the right family and situation to have had this happen, although we did inform the funeral home this week so they would be aware that this could happen and not go as well in certain situations.

Another Comic Relief Moment Earlier Today:
Today one of my many sweet friends that has been caring for me and loving on me so well took me to breakfast. We meet once a month and this was already scheduled and I was up for it.
We talked and played with her baby, and ate and drank coffee.
I went to her car with her and put some dishes in the front seat that I was returning from the meal she organized for our family gathering after the funeral on Friday.
She pointed out how the front seat painted a picture of their young family's life at this time.
1. Various pieces of soccer clothing from her boys' soccer camps...oh little boy sweat:)
2. One little athletic shoe looking for it's mate.
3. A couple of other random items.
4.Now my returned platters.
5. Oh,  and their dog's ashes in a sealed container from the vets!
I said, "WHAT?!"

She informed me that he had died a month ago. I didn't know and I started to get sad. Then I laughed!
I don't know how long they've been in the front seat, but I told her I was concerned that she was leaving her pet in a hot car with the windows rolled up.
Then she assured me that she would belt him in before driving off.
Gotta love that Jill! Always brings a smile to my heart.
I will miss Buster, he was roomies with her and our daughter Erin back in the day.

So, I am trying to take care of myself. I go out for a little bit and then I want to retreat back home and either sleep or read or cry. I am trying to eat fairly healthy and if it wouldn't be 10000* F out every day I would like to get back to early morning walks. I know that I am not the only one who has ever lost someone, this isn't the first time I've gone through a death and it won't be the last, but this is my season to grieve the loss of my mom and I am trying to go through it giving myself lots of space and grace and time with the Lord.

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