When I Thought My Only Companions Were Grief and Sorrow...Then Came Joy

I was raised being told that it was not good to wallow in your grief and sorrow. Now, I do believe that slipping into self pity is non productive and can lead to despair. However, I have learned that grief and sorrow are best listened to, experienced fully, and can not only deepen our capacity for empathy, but our capacity for joy as well.

I experienced an almost suffocating layering of losses and sorrow in 2010. My mother’s slow death process, a loved one's second separation in their short marriage (which God eventually redeemed and it is thriving!), the undeniable reality of the dysfunctional relationship between a first family member, their family, and the rest of our family all left me feeling numb and flat and yet with an ache somewhere deep inside.

No amount of distraction or discussion eased any of it.

My counselor had encouraged me to start a gratitude journal when my mom first started her downward spiral. So, I already had the daily practice in place, but  during this season of even more pressing in I often had to truly meditate on and dig for what I was thankful for. Then at other times I just had to look out the window and see the skies, the breeze blowing the grasses and flowers and leaves on the trees.

There was the laughter and questions and snuggles from our two grandchildren at that time. Holding a child is so soothing and reminds us of how holistic life truly is. Listening to a beautiful song or piece of music. Air conditioning in a stifling, heat-soaked summer filled with constant time at the nursing home and yet the inverse: Stepping out of the air conditioned building into the scorching heat and feeling the warm sun soak into my chilled, exhausted soul and body and reveling in the sounds of life outdoors. Laughter with my familial sister, and laughter and tears with my sister of the heart who was in the same exact place in her journey with her mom...that's true companionship. Crawling into bed at night with a husband who went with the flow during this season of long days, interruptions to our own activities, the uncertainty that was a constancy around meals and short getaways. His arms were always waiting, his ears and heart always attentive, and his honesty at times was just what I needed to hear.

So, when I have chosen to reflect back on those last three and a half years of my mom’s life and especially the last eight months it can be overwhelming, but then I take out my gratitude writings and am undone by how closely I was tracking with God, seeing him with me every moment as I read the words of gratefulness I penned in some of the harshest, hardest moments I had experienced up to that time.

Joy was finding its way into deep, dark recesses in my core. The realization as I look back and see Immanuel with me in every moment, those good ones and those hard ones, opens up something inside of me. It’s akin to what it feels like when your muscles and body are sore and aching and someone gives you a back rub, or you get a good massage….you realize there are places that are tender that you had no idea about and the immediate discomfort of the pressure on them slowly releases a warmth and a feeling almost of euphoric relief. Because the purpose of the pressure is not to cause more pain and tension, but to identify it and relieve it, dispersing toxins and soothing and calming our minds and bodies. This is what knowing, looking for and seeing Jesus in those hard places and seasons can do for us. We realize we are not alone, we are never alone..and sometimes the comfort and the peace come flooding in and at other times those holy salves seep into our hearts and take up residence in a previously shut off portion of those numbed heart pockets.

I am not talking about jovial happiness. What I am sharing about is a strong, unyielding undercurrent of peace-filled joy. Joy wrapped in a blanket of shalom. It is what allows those we read about historically, and even present day people we look up to, to suffer well. Jesus does not always remove the suffering, no, that is true, but he comes and stands by us, sits with us, puts his arms around us, and even invites us to crawl into his lap, letting us know we will never, ever have to suffer alone...like he did...because that was already taken care of, the lonesomeness, when he spoke the words, “It is finished” from the cross.

I weep thinking of him losing his earthly father here, then hearing of his cousin John’s long imprisonment and eventual horrible death, his friends and followers abandoning him during his darkest hours. It breaks my heart, but then I realize the complete empathy and perfect love and never ending, never tiring desire to always be with me was partially borne out of his own losses, struggles, and grief and I exhale and crawl into his lap. Therein lies my joy.  

Love Letter to My Tribe

A shout out prayer and hope to my tribe. We are stronger than we look, yet our relational hearts are tender and love fiercely. May we wake up every day ready to adventure on and journey on. May we spark hope, creativity, and a little non status quo into the generations following us. Yes, may we be willing and brave enough to step outside the box when the box is irrelevant, a form of bondage, or downright shameful... May we recreate the box. May we stop comparing ourselves to one another, rating our worth by what others say or think, and may we see our worth as God sees it... His very image in us! We are his beloved and precious in his sight. He designed us for a glorious purpose and empowers us to live that out in small ways and sometimes big ways. He also offers and invites us to rest. Rest in him and rest from our work, in order to re-enter into it re-energized and refreshed and refocused. Yes, we may wear many hats, but those are what we do, not who we are. May we never confuse the two in our lives nor in our sisters' lives. Hold one another's hands, look each other in the eye, hold one another up when any of us are too weary to stand, and be willing, always willing to be a part of rewriting the true story. The story many of us have found ourselves in was fictionalized by those that saw women as a problem or a threat. We are not a threat, not to other women or those who value us as whole people, but may we be a force to be reckoned with, tearing down the strongholds that hold us back and hold us down and rebuild a world for the next generations of women that fully utilizes ALL humankind's strengths and gifts. Love you all... You are valuable!

Cartwheeling Through the Subtle Shades and Colors of Life

 Something I'm realizing as I get older is that I no longer see things so black and white, so set in stone as far as my opinions, my beliefs, and my worldviews. It's actually very comforting and a relief to not have to feel the need to defend a position, or a viewpoint. It's truly a joy to listen more than speak. For the years have taught me that in this life I am entitled to nothing, everything is a gift, and when things don't go my way I will not only survive, but most likely grow in some area.
I don't think this perspective is possible to gain only by those who have actually lived for decades though, for I have seen such an awareness come to younger persons that have endured true hardships and near death experiences.
Think cancer survivors, even children, survivors of traumatic events such as war, accidents, and horrific mistreatment. So often we call them "old souls", and rightly so, and it is appropriate to feel sympathy or compassion towards them. Many need assistance in help and recovery from such terrible things as PTSD. However, I have also found that many of them actually gain a "soul wisdom" beyond their years that can allow them to live life more fully with more awareness that life is truly a gift.
I am amused and at times I am embarrassed by my younger self when I remember how much I knew and knew what I knew was right and best. Not just for me, but for others too, especially those older than me. I was so progressive and revolutionary in my approach to life and life philosophies. When I "came to faith" , I had the right answer and I was in the right camp of believers. It was my business to convince my friends and relatives that what they believed was not quite right if it didn't fit my paradigm.
Somewhere in my thirties I began to realize the self confidence I portrayed was actually pretty thin and there were questions lurking beneath the surface. I kept those at bay, but they would break through every so often, especially as my own children entered their teen years and young adulthood.
We loved being with our kids and their friends as they all grew into their adult selves. That's when I began to let some of the musings and questions surface. That's when I became less certain that everything was contained in a neat tidy package of philosophies and beliefs and viewpoints.
At first it was scary, I admit. Then, however, something beautiful began to emerge. An awareness was growing within my mind and heart, my soul, that the God I believed in not only could handle my questions, but welcomes them!
The more I opened myself up to the thoughts and questions and fears I had stuffed for so long, the deeper my connection became with my God and with other people!
Probably one of the most influential persons in my life at that point and still today is a woman thirty three years my senior. She has the most amazing stories and a mind that is not only sharp, but always learning and expanding her horizons. As I write this she is almost six months past her ninety ninth birthday! My girlfriend and I worked with her for a while and still get together and talk and laugh and share our hearts on life and faith and relationships and even politics. Just last year we three spent an afternoon having lunch at a beautiful winery and it was every bit as much fun as my times with my peers and younger friends are.
One of my favorite sayings is, "When I grow up I want to be just like [my friend], only taller." You see this sweet woman is almost half as tall as I am!
Anyway, she has an insatiable curiosity, a solid faith and love for her God, yet allows everyone the freedom to pursue their own journey and grow to know God in the way he's designed them.
Yep, I'm pretty darned sure that "gaining wisdom" as one ages means realizing how little we really know, seeing the beauty and the value in the kaleidoscopic of people, life approaches, and more and more dropping labels and evaluations based on preconceived ideas (can we say... prejudice?).
Its wonderfully freeing and I honestly feel younger than I have in years, except for the way my body sometimes reminds me of the miles it has accumulated... But even that no longer dampens my joy that God's not done with me because he keeps expanding my horizons and its exciting to walk towards those horizons , even if I can't do cartwheels towards them anymore...In my mind I still am able to do them.

The Beauty of Our Scars

So often we try to hide them. Scars... They are not attractive.

I had one lobe of my thyroid removed when I was 22 and married barely a year.

I have had a melanoma on my thigh removed and they did and nice job and the scarring was minimal, but the surgery saved my life.

I have a scar on my left arm from a nasty tear in the flesh when I was 18 years old and climbing over an 8 ft cyclone fence...LEAVING...a concert.

At times my scars have throbbed, at times I forget about them. Sometimes I notice them and they remind me:

That was NOT cancer; That WAS cancer, but they got it all! That was a bad choice, but you just missed severing a vein in your arm and it could have been worse.

Just like these physical scars, I carry emotional scars, as so many do. However, they too remind me of God's grace, the gift of good counselors and recovery programs, and the love and support of many over time.

Sometimes the pain resurfaces. I have done the work of forgiving those that inflicted the wounds, but the pain still throbs at times. The scars are a beautiful reminder that there is joy to be found through suffering, not because of it, but joy can be found within the layers and folds of the suffering.

I am understanding more and more that is because I have never suffered alone. One has always been with me, and because of that I can find peace and joy even when I am hurt. Even when the scars remain. His eyes are upon me. His hand reaches out and takes mine. His love soothes me.

Those scars? They are beautiful to God and precious in his sight, so they have become beautiful to me the more I see things through his eyes.

After all, he still carries the scars of his crucifixion, and they are powerful reminders that in the midst of such hatred and jealousy and evil, love won...it always does.

Unison yet with Harmony

The Strength and Beauty of Harmony

When a song is sung in unison it is nice, even pretty.

When a song is sung in three part harmony (or more)

It is still one song, one melody, yet... 

so much more powerful and moving.

Each instrument in a band or an orchestra

Lends its own tones and hues

Yet when they are all focused on one outcome

It is breathtaking

When we as people grow in our awareness that 

Although we all have different backgrounds

We can still each contribute to this song of life

And the richness and depth of our lives and others'...

Will be magnified, deepened and better because of it.

In unison of heart, we are stronger and more beautiful

When each unique voice lends itself to the whole

And God writes his masterpiece through that unity and harmony

Waiting...

 I had a bad night. My almost forgotten GI symptoms came on like a vengeance around 2 am.

I went back to sleep for a few hours. Then my nerve pain decided that it was time to also make a dramatic reappearance. I got up, did my extension exercises on our newly gifted PT table, (Thank you Bob and Marti!) and stumbled into the predawn living room. I opened a "real" cola...only thing my tummy could handle and sat in the stillness.

Then you said, "I am here. In the stillness, in the alone quiet, in the pain, and the "retched" nausea. I am with you Marsha. I am Immanuel." 

It is Christmas Eve! Always my most favorite day of the year and of this season since I can remember.

The quiet anticipation. 

The sweet imagery of a baby born in a stable to a teenage mother and her scared, yet protective betrothed.

Then I hear you...and this is what I write:

He came in helpless form to be the ultimate helper.

His power was reined in as he took on a frail human body as his own.

So, there was that , restrained power... for a purpose.

His love, however, was of unrestrained power and passion.

His willingness to go, engage in relationship, and know, all those thirty-three years...

His purpose.

Thank you for your invasion into our world and lives. 

Thank you for touching my heart as a girl with the beauty and mystery of Christmas Eve.

Never ending...Regeneration!

REGENERATION!

I was writing in my thanksgiving journal this morning and thanking God for the ongoing resurrection gift of life through the seasons, generations, sunsets, sunrises, and all of creation's continual growth and expansion.

I am becoming more and more aware of how nothing ends except something new begins.

I was encouraged by the thought that every winter, life is busy preparing to burst forth again in the spring, no matter how bitter and dark the winter. Especially as I  looked out on my early spring flowers covered in a late dump of snow last week standing strong and tall after the melt!

I am ecstatic that when we leave this earth our offspring will be continuing our legacy and if not our offspring our art, or relationships, or whatever we have contributed to this side of eternity. All of it is a memory imprint, of us, on this world.

I have a hard time...okay, I'm obsessive about not missing sunsets and sunrises! I feel a melancholy settling in my spirit as twilight glows and then fades. It's hard not to sigh. I feel a peaceful energy if I see the first whispers of a morning glow and watch the sun's promise erupt across the skies for quite a while before it actually rises. Daylight is returning again.

Are we so vain as to think that we can end this world by our interference and neglect?

We can damage it and tilt things horribly.

We have a responsibility to treat all of creation with respect and honor life.

However, we are no more capable of sustaining the life flow than we are of creating it.

The very ongoing adapting, evolving process of this world and the universe attests to God's creative, redemptive power.

I love that God left his memory imprint on this world. 

I am reminded of his promise to always exist and to always be present every time I witness these events and realize that death is not the end. Life originally spoken into existence by him regenerates. 

The end is the beginning!

His death on the cross was not the end.

His burial in someone else's tomb was not the end.

The empty tomb always reminds us that it was the beginning.

Brave Things

My favorite relative did an amazing thing that forever made him my hero the last eight years of his life.
He made a life-changing decision to address a problem instead of running from it anymore and I saw him as one of the bravest men I had ever met.
I decided that I would remember him every time I thought of NOT doing something because I was scared, or "too old", or it was "too late". It has served me well...when I act on it!

I am 63 years old as I write this and although to date I've not jumped out of a plane, taken up rock climbing, or learned to surf, I am doing things that genuinely are big and brave and hard...for me.

Let me back up a bit.
I was a shy kid, sort of had a small comfort zone and didn't much like straying out of it.
I was also a tall, skinny, pale, blonde girl...sort of noticeable even though I did everything to NOT be noticed.
My mom, with best intentions...don't we moms often unintentionally give our children fodder for their future counseling sessions by doing things with best intention...but, I digress...which I do a lot...my mom used to want to sew or purchase outfits for me that were bright and bold. The tags should have said they were made by "HERE I AM! LOOK AT ME!!!"

I was so very thankful that I went to a school for the first seven years of my educational life that required uniforms.

Anyway, I used to dream of being a pilot, or a singer on a stage, or a heroine of epic proportions and my heroines often died...so my dreams were big, but I hated attention being drawn to me...I was shy.

So, when I say that I am doing things that are genuinely hard or brave for me. I am speaking of that hidden "young self" that will forever be inside of me and that often causes me to be stunned when I make a statement like the one in the earlier paragraph, "I am 63 years old"!

One of the hard, brave things I am doing is an elimination diet. This particular one, for some reason I have forgotten, is called an "easy" elimination diet. It is comprised of four phases of 35 days in each phase in which I eliminate between two and four food groups or additives and then after three weeks one at a time reintroduce them into my diet. The idea is to figure out what I have been feeding my gut that has made it sick and uncooperative for years now...yes, years!

Now, at first I thought, "I should've done this a long time ago,"  because honestly I have figured out two culprits already (I am into phase one for well over a month due to messing up) and I feel so much better already. Part of the reason I thought "Why did I not do this before" is because quite a few friends of mine that are my daughters' ages have done this and are thrilled with how great they feel.

Then I realized: Wrong, wrong, wrong! When I was their age everyone was trying to eat healthier, but no one was  offering this type of program or advice, nor were people even aware of some of our personal food demons that were making us sick or sluggish.

Nope, I am proud that even though I am a bit older- by a lot - than many of these younger friends, (got that?) I am addressing it now....AND, I have a lot more years of eating habits literally under my belt than said younger women, so it is a heck of a lot harder for me to hit the "redo" or "refresh" button at this stage of life...but I'm doing it!!!! A quick shout out to the aforementioned friends for being my inspiration!!

One of the other things I am doing is slowly working at getting back into the music business. My hubby and I played professionally in our pre-children years when you actually played four forty-five minute sets a night at a club where people came to actually listen to the band and dance and drink and other stuff. Well, lots of the other stuff went on in the parking lot or in upstairs rooms in the club, but I once again digress.

We then continued throughout most of our married life to play music, but usually leading worship at church, which we have loved. However, God tried to gently nudge us out of that gig and after twenty-seven years we started going to a new church and, voila, ended up back on the worship team and once again heading the worship team. We left that church, took a year plus off of organized religion and then started going to a new church plant and before we knew it we were back at it.

Well, suffice it to say that God let us blunder about a bit, then we decided it was time to exit their music ministry as well. God is often scratching his chin and chuckling, I am quite sure.

Now we have started working up set lists, and a friend has asked to play with us and we are beginning the arduous task of approaching pub owners, etc. about playing at their establishments.

We also have been playing once a month for an interdenominational prayer group that has the most astonishing array of men and women, usually more men than women which is sort of cool for a prayer meeting when you think about how historically it's the women folk that seem to populate such gatherings. These are sweet and free-flowing and we love them.

The pub thingie is unnerving and scary and we only want to play early in the evening for no more than two hours. Things change, we have changed, and  getting home early doesn't feel uncool anymore...it hasn't for a very long time!
This is another brave thing.

I am realizing that I am a "hard learner", meaning that for some reason I am wired to use denial and  excuses, and to let my fear of failure or fear of success, keep me in indecision mode...which by the way IS a decision!

I have been in therapy for years, as well as several 12 Step groups and understand the "whys" of many of my behaviors. I have also made miraculous progress in so many areas of my life.

However, there are certain behaviors that reveal themselves in my response to some stimuli and stressors (good and bad stressors) that can only be called self-defeating, fear-driven saboteurs of my growth in certain areas of my life. Such as the above named areas of health and music...and actually, come to think of it, this... writing.

Now, something that has come late to me in my sixty-three years ( remember: "hard learner") is that I am not an extrovert as many have labeled me in my adult years. I am a social introvert. Meaning this: I get recharged and reenergized when I have down time and alone time with me, myself, and I. I love people and love connecting and interacting, but it is often scary and hard for me to walk into it initially , then I engage and most often enjoy, yet when it's over I cannot wait to get home to my music, book, favorite TV show, a soak in the whirlpool, or wherever my retreat mode leads me.

I am also what blogger, author, speaker Glennon Doyle Melton calls a "feeler" and I spent a long time trying to not be a feeler! I am hard-wired to be one and because of some things said to me early in my life about how I was "different" from the rest of my family and "wondering just where I came from" I was convinced that it was a negative thing to be avoided or at least hidden from others.

When we want to hide something or change something about our core selves it means attempting to reshape ourselves and putting on a facade and a persona. We become Shape Shifters of a sort.

We get so good at keeping others from knowing who we really are that we eventually try to leave our real selves behind, bury them. The longer we go before finding and reasserting who we really are, the more painful and difficult the process is.
It took me years...and I still discover pieces of myself that got left behind from time to time! I am working with my Designer to reestablish the 100% true Marsha, and at times it feels like an adventure and at times it is no fun at all.

Here's the interesting part. The whole time we are hiding our genuine self, it is always just underneath the surface trying to break through. It's that subtle yet nagging sense that  "something feels off" or  "I always feel just a little out of kilter with my life and my world" that haunts us sometimes at night and saps us of energy.
I think that is why so often when someone has a serious life-crisis, or a breakdown, it's often more of a breakthrough by their true persona. Those crises are often a gift of grace as they allow us to see that we have been living untrue to ourselves and letting some other false identity take our place.

Well into adulthood I found myself finally admitting that I was struggling with depression and I sought help from a counselor.
Once we began to clear the debris...which was very painful... sort of like shedding my outer skin so I could grow...I saw that the "feeler" introvert that was also extremely creative was not a bad person to be. I began to travel lighter as I threw off the oppressive identity I had allowed to curl about my soul like a boa constrictor.

I accepted a part in a musical, the lead part! I was tricked into that - ha! I continued participating in it playing various roles for quite a few years after that. We are talking a production that our church put on, so not Broadway, but one of the most well thought out productions imaginable with sellout crowds at various venues around the city.

I also began playing bass guitar again and, as I shared earlier, getting more involved in our church's music ministry, eventually as the director of that ministry and then again at the other church we attended for a number of years.

The point is...when we realize that we may be living a lie. We also begin to understand we are not allowing others the privilege of knowing us and not allowing ourselves to flourish as who we are created to be. Then when we take steps to get in touch with who we started out as...well we can flourish and fully be!  And that is the freedom to be. That is indeed freedom to lay hold of!

So, if we ever get hired to play (we are fun to listen to) come have a beer or a glass of wine and enjoy. I will be the one that's not in bright colors, feels a bit uncomfortable and having a blast!

The Who say it pretty well...   check out the link!

When (We) People Unwittingly Say Things That Hurt More Than Help

It is raining hard at five a.m. and the birds are already noisily awaiting the dawn. The cloudy skies are sliding from murkiness into a more defined dull gray.
Now one raucous robin is insistently calling out a repetitive monologue.
Being awake in the wee hours always is at once a place of deep connectivity to God and profound loneliness.

Our daughter's little almost 8 week old baby boy is in the hospital since yesterday early morning. The ER docs were concerned about meningitis so after getting an IV in him and doing some blood draws and catheterizing him they added a spinal tap to the list!
It was so very necessary to rule out that terrible, yet treatable illness. It was also in and of itself terrible for her and her husband to watch him go through such a tortuous diagnostic tool after such a long sick night at home fighting to breathe through the mucous that was accumulating too fast for his little body to deal with.
She texted us to let us know they were going to the ER.
Then she texted to let us know they were admitting him.
We finally got to hear her voice and she was tired and drained and behind her resolve one could here..."I want my mom. I want someone to take care of me while I take care of my new baby boy who is so sick and I am so scared."
Yesterday was Mother's Day...

Mother's Day is a "holiday" that I used to love. Now, I have mixed feelings about it.
My mom is gone...almost five years, but this is one of those "holidays" that for anyone who has lost their mom, has a difficult or broken relationship with her or their child, wishes they were a mom, or anyone who has lost a child feels the pain in their heart not unlike that of salt being rubbed into a wound.

I will go to my daughter if she asks me to come into their struggle over 800 miles away. I will get on a plane and be there with her and her little family of four. She texted in the middle of the night that it was "a lonely feeling to be there with her baby" who was spitting up his entire feeds with so much mucous, then falling to sleep with his little IV in. She said, "I work in this place weekly. I have a deep empathy and compassion for those who must spend weeks and months in the hospital." She is an oncology nurse. You would want her for your nurse if, God forbid, you ever needed one.

Our entire family has a strong faith in God who created and designed each of us and numbered our days. We know he is mighty and powerful and able to save the helpless. We also know that he realizes we are frail like the grass that flowers in the morning yet withers at night. He is a God who weeps with us and holds us and carefully tends our hurting hearts.

There are evidently several nasty viruses that are going around right now. The doctors told our daughter and her husband that the older kids and adults can fight it off better than these new little ones can. Their 23 month old had the virus first, then the little one, and both our daughter and her husband are coming down with it now as well. He let them know that not getting their little guy into the hospital would've had disastrous consequences and the docs were so glad they had gotten him in.

I know that when people tell you that " We went through this" or "My (older) child or grandchild went through this" and "are fine" or "quickly bounced back", they are trying to help and offer some sort of encouragement. However, it FEELS like a dismissal of the real fears and struggles our family is vulnerably sharing with them, inviting them into our moment to just be there with us and offer prayer and support .
How does one let others know that they covet and appreciate their prayers, yet please do not offer platitudes or try to minimize what is going on at this time in our lives comparing this situation to one that is truly not the same, and even if they were, that is not, in my book, the definition of empathy.

I guess what I am realizing is that it is at such times we are called to take the higher ground and exhibit grace, even if what someone unwittingly does feels graceless. I also realize that I have most likely done the same unwittingly and may even do it again (although I hope I only grow in this area).
So, I rest in the knowledge that the only perfect co-sufferer and compassionate friend is Jesus and not expect all of our friends and family to respond perfectly or at times even well.

Thank you God for caring through the long night watches so far for our little Crosby. Thank you for friends and family that "get it" and for those that love us clumsily as well...they do love us, and for that I am grateful. I have loved You clumsily and yet you never alter your love towards me!

 Complacency and lethargy swirl about the soul like a net entangling our feet. We would swim and leap through the water, gliding as we were created to do, but cannot. We would embrace our days and move through them with purposeful energy, but this lethargy is a shadowy weight that causes mind and body both to respond with a sluggishness that fatigues a person more than any hard labor ever would. What or whom is the origin of such lethargy? Hmmm...Oh, but that we would respond like the Psalmist! 

Psalm 57:

"5 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
let your glory be over all the earth.
6 They spread a net for my feet—
I was bowed down in distress.
They dug a pit in my path—
but they have fallen into it themselves.
7 My heart, O God, is steadfast,
my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music.
8 Awake, my soul!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.
9 I will praise you, Lord, among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.
10 For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
11 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
let your glory be over all the earth."

And so in my heart being steadfast to God, I will sing and make music and awaken the dawn! 
Thank you God that you are stronger than our enemy who uses my flesh against me to render me inactive in my pursuit of you and all that you have for me! Just keeping my eyes on you...let's me awaken the dawn! Wow!!!!

"But I will sing about your strength. 

In the morning I will joyfully sing 

about your mercy." Psalm 59:16

Why IS Enough Not

ENOUGH?!

It is crazy the way we consume and then consume to store what we've consumed and then have sales and make donations to make more room to consume more!!!!!

STOP! I want off!!! 

I have been hungering for space in my life since 2004. It's in my prayer journals and in my devotions and written on my heart!

Then why has it taken this long to let go?

Because I didn't want God more than anything or anyone else in my life, plain and simple.

I so often have felt like this... 

but... all I do is this...

It is, was , will ALWAYS be my heart...it's a heart problem. The more cluttered my life gets the more distracted I am from what really matters.

SOMEtimes...

that's a good coping or defense mechanism, but ULTIMATELY...

I miss the real life I was meant to live and lose touch with the real person I was created to be because...

I have lost sight, I have lost touch with God...my one true, faithful, forever LOVER of MY SOUL!

He always is here.

He always is in love with me and calling me.

He always wants to just be with me and to bask in one another's presence.

I  have filled up the empty times, places, spaces, and seasons in my life with STUFF...good and bad STUFF.

Well, I am tired, fatigued, and weary because nothing, no activity, no person, no ministry, no addiction can replace the very source and Love of my life.

It's funny. I am a creative artistic type, but have a strong desire for order. I have never been able to figure that out...and maybe never will...but MAYbe...just MAYbe... some of that is because I have been unsettled and distracted like Martha. 

             

Luke 10: 41-42

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "You are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed - or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her."

Martha wasn't wrong to serve, but she was possibly motivated not out of love and devotion to her Jesus, but perhaps for baser reasons. Reasons such as approval, acceptance, prestige, and on and on. We've all been there and done that! 

I FEAR...

I have lost much time with that mindset far too often. I sense my God has been grooming me to quiet myself and let go on so many levels that it has been scary and difficult, and yet exhilarating and freeing. The things of this world, this life we think is oh so real...it has been slowly losing it's flavor for me, like gum that's been chewed too long. 

HOWEVER...

God knows me and knew just how long I would dawdle. He knew my tolerance for staying with "fillers" and "fluff" and the idols that would never fill me up or quench my thirst...and He just waited and loved me and gently spoke terms of endearment to me. Sigh! What a lover He is! What a pursuer of my heart he has been. Grace...it finally broke through and into my numbed out mind and heart and said, "I'm here, I've been waiting. What a sweet journey we will have in this life and after!" 

I KNOW...

I will stray back sometimes. I will heed the call of the sirens. I also know, that it is less often and that I more quickly find myself back at His feet, letting Him stroke my hair and speak truth and light and life into me...filling me up. 

Psalm 63:1-8

(When David was in the desert)

You God,are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

I thirst for you, 

My whole being longs for you,

In a dry and parched land where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and glory.

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;

With singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;

I think of you through the watches of the night.

Because you are my help,

I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I cling to you,

Your right hand upholds me. 

What more could I need? He is enough.

Once Again It's 4 a.m. 

So many things could be waking me up.

Is it the 12 hour decongestant I took at 8 a.m. yesterday morning?

Is it my "time of life"... again?

Is it the "blue light" stimulation from being on the computer too close to bedtime?

Is it the recurring back stiffness and at times pain from this herniated disc?

Do one of these things awaken me, but then my mind switches to the "on" mode?

Images and thoughts come unbidden into the half awake/half asleep place.

I finally realize I have been awake too long to stay in bed and go back to sleep.

I have to get up, make my beloved fragrant hot Aveda Comfort Tea/ Sinus Soother Sleepytime cocktail, sit in the semi-darkness of dimmed lights and get the thoughts out of my head.

The images and thoughts are so many things...

Too many things to write out here...

God, You know I desire to sleep deep and undisturbed. You know that it has so long been an issue, so I trust you in this...again.

I feel secure in you when I fall to sleep and what can I do but turn to you when I "fall awake"?

I lay my sighs before you and all those things that make up those sighed prayers...all those concerns, all those images of people I love, people I know or have met, and those murky images of the past or of an unknown future.

I know you hear me, I want to wait in expectation, but I also want to sleep...the deep restful sleep that I seem to remember from some time a very long time ago.

The furnace cycles on, the house creaks as cold areas warm up, I have finished my tea and and as David the Psalm-writing king did I also I offer my words, my sighs, my cries, my prayers, my voice, and my request to You O Lord.

Help me to wait in expectation...to sit with you a while and just be in your presence...to know you.

Breaking Bread

Two things I love are traveling and preparing food and eating with loved ones and friends.
The traveling costs a fair amount as we dream of returning to Italy someday after two trips there and amazing memories made and food shared! So, cooking and eating food here is more realistic in my life right now.
The winter is always when my "inner cook" surfaces at our home. There's just something about the cooler temps and shorter days that make it more pleasant to be in the warm, aromatic kitchen. Whether chopping (very therapeutic by the way), baking, or stirring and sautéing, I love to feed my senses and love to feed others' senses as well.
We've exchanged the art of hospitality, comfortable "down time" around a family table for the art of entertaining and impressing others with our culinary achievements and beautiful, creative presentations.

http://www.justapinch.com/recipes/soup/vegetable-soup/squash-bacon-and-swiss-cheese-soup.html

One of my favorite memories is of having a friend over in the middle of the day and serving her leftover homemade chicken pot pie and a salad and sitting in our old, funky eating area next to the kitchen and talking and sharing for hours that winter afternoon. It warms me every time I think of it.

I need to ask her if it does the same for her.

There's so many more. Sitting with friends at our table or theirs after a homemade meal, sipping wine then, hot tea or coffee, lingering over some sort of desert and just being with one another and sharing in one another's lives, the good, the hard, and the reality. Laughter and tears and often some praying. We seldom leave the table the entire evening!
It is quite possibly one of my favorite times of the day.
Even when it's just Fred and I, I love the camaraderie of working together in the kitchen on the evening's meal, sipping a glass of wine and catching up on one another's day. Then we either sit and with music playing or we have a few lovely BBC shows that we are addicted to and we stream those often stopping them to talk about something going on in them or to clear the table and finish up our show or save the rest of it for another evening.
Shauna Niequist says in her book Bread and Wine that really communion is whenever we gather with others and share food.
"Communion is connection, remembrance" and "He's here! God is here, and he's good. Every time we eat, every time we gather, every time the table is filled: He's here. He's here, and he is good."

FEARFUL and Yet God...

 FEAR - God

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

     

Fall is here and it is my favorite time of year. It's when things supposedly slow down a bit. 

Yard work tapers off more and more. 

Outdoor gatherings are more mellow. 

School schedules dictate earlier bedtimes...quieter evenings at home.

This fall also holds fear for me.

An uninvited guest pushing it's presence into my thoughts and at times into my heart.

I DO firmly believe that we are to look at our problems through the lens of our God and not the other way around

I am a person of prayer and committed to praying for those I love and even for some I may not particularly like. I pray for myself as well and am quick to ask for prayer from those with whom I feel safe doing so.

It's not like this has never entered my life before. nor is this the FIRST fall I have found fear an unwelcome companion at times dogging my heels.

But...

I have three friends at the moment dealing with breast cancer.

One is recovering from it and the treatment (mastectomy and treatments) and she is a beautiful woman and friend and wife and mom! Strength is what she exudes, though I know she often does not feel strong, she has endured multiple major health challenges! Sonja, I love you so deeply! 

Two are newly diagnosed and just starting treatment.

My friend Linda is a peer as far as time of life and age and is just starting radiation after her diagnosis, biopsy, and surgery in August. She has a wonderful attitude and faith!!! My heart breaks though as she endured her sweet husband's own battle with cancer several years ago and finally had to release him to the Lord. A year later she also said goodbye to his father at the same hospice center AND room! We were to get together today after her radiation treatment to celebrate our August birthdays at a local restaurant...alas, she's not having a good day and we had to cancel again.

My other friend is Rachel, a young wife and mom of two girls, who just moved far from her established home with her husband when he accepted a lead pastor position in another state. A few years ago Rachel's husband, Matt, also battled cancer and beat it! However, it forever alters your life no matter the outcome. Rachel, diagnosed in September with breast cancer, is presently starting chemotherapy and even with her tremendous sense of humor and her faith she is able to share honestly how hard this really is on so many levels.

For the past several years, I was having mammograms every six months because they found a spot they wanted to monitor. I went for several of those and then talked with my primary care doc who I trust very much. He agreed with me that since it hadn't changed and I have a history in the past of lots of Fibroid cysts and there is no family history of breast cancer that I should take a break from all the radiation exposure and mammograms and wait until after the first of 2015 to get another one.

I was good with that...we are looked at here in the U.S. in amazement by Europe as over-reactionary and needlessly scaring women and performing lumpectomies and mastectomies when the "cancers" being excised would often not create any problems for the woman and she would die a natural death before it ever impacted her life, if ever.

I WAS good with it...

However, I also have lost sweet friends to breast cancer and I have a daughter that is an oncology nurse, so I do not have my head in the sand...I know that there is real breast cancer and I am seeing these three friends deal with it right now.

My problem is that this has all triggered my own fears about my situation and I am going to God asking him to bolster my faith and to remind me that it is he alone is who responsible for each and every one of us.....I am not doing well right this moment. I do believe my fears and my problems are small in the light of who God is. I do! The more I stay in the scriptures the better I do, but sometimes I just have "a day" or  "a week" or even "a season".

I guess I just want to be real and honest about this all and in the midst of it ask anyone who just might happen across this blog to lift my three friends up in prayer and pray for me as well. I know my eternal destiny and that is truly amazing as far as dealing with my mortality. Sometimes though, in the quiet night hours I lie awake and Fear knocks, I try to see if I can feel what my mammograms see, I can't, I think of these women that I love and I do not want them to endure any more losses and then I pray for us all...and then I cry...life here is not what was intended for us...