Restless

I AM SO RESTLESS AND SO TIRED ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

I know that I am smack dab in the middle of my year of grieving the loss of my mom.

I also know that I don't do well with winters in Missouri (BLAND! DREARY! BORING!)

I have no more children to raise, get through college, or help plan weddings with, and no more parents to care for. For the first time those losses feel more concrete now that my mom's care is not a 24/7 concern for me as it was the last several years and I am not working or involved in formal leadership somewhere.

However, I don't think that this is the only reasons for my restlessness.

I think that I want to have a more regular, consistent ministry or outreach of some sort.
I do not think that it will be in church leadership or church staff work. I somewhat feel I've "been there, done that". I also know to never say "never" :)

I feel God is opening up a huge panoramic cornucopia of any number of places and people and things I could serve in some capacity and saying "It is good! It is ALL good!"

I know that my heart will always be more open to some sort of volunteer work or help and not a job per se. It's not that I spurn money or income, but I've never had a big need to earn a wage or contribute to the family's income. I am not a career oriented person. I am grateful that things have worked out at this time for me to have that freedom and I don't take it for granted ever!

So, I see how God gives us total freedom in allowing us to align our passions and our calling. I do not think that there is a right or a wrong way for me to serve in the kingdom, just some ways that would be a better fit than others.

Having said all this, I have been counseled by several trusted advisors to take this year and listen to God and hone the skill of "being still and knowing that He is God".
I have not done a great job of doing this.
It is me - not God - that has not been showing up for this training. I don't do "still" very well. Yet, when I do spend any time at all there, it is so revitalizing and refreshing that I wonder why I fight it so.

So, if I seem somewhat removed from things at times, know that I am choosing that for my spiritual and mental health. Hopefully I will be an even better wife, mom, friend, sister, mentor,whatever.

I'm not planning on not continuing in those relationships and things I already am doing now, I just might not be as flexibly available as I have been for a time.
I'm not leaving.
I am letting the dust settle after an awful lot of years of kickin' it up trying to do ANYthing, but "be still"...