Monday, June 21, 2010

The Longest Day of the Year

June 21st. The summer solstice. Hmmmm
I figured out that yesterday I wanted to run away and was mad at everybody and anybody.
Today I worked in the yard like a fiend in the morning half of the day. I just kept pushing myself. In some weird way it felt cleansing and good. Then I quit before I heat stroked.
I got cleaned up, met Fred for lunch and ran an errand.

Then I went to Ted Drewes and got a treat for my mom to stimulate her appetite.
She did eat a third of the mini concrete I got her, but mostly slept.

I took pictures of the view from her bed/window and the bird-feeders I put out for her to watch and I read.

Sweet Mama watching the birds.

This is the view out of her window.

I had a meltdown in the hall outside her room and cried on Tanita's shoulder as she hugged me. Tanita is our angel caregiver. There are several, but she is special in our hearts forever.

Tanita came in to help me change her nightgown and some bedding. While we were readjusting her bed position my mom had what was most likely a petite mal seizure.
As Tanita ran to get a nurse I stood there next to her bed horrified. It stopped and I asked my mom, "Are you okay?"
In an uncharacteristically high voice she said "I was trying to do something, but I couldn't." She said it a couple of times.
Then everyone got there and started checking for signs of a stroke and checked her over carefully.
The supervisor nurse told me that it was probably a petite mal seizure, including the high voice thing afterwards. My mom didn't remember any of it, but asked, "Was I out of it for a while?" Then said she wished she would've gone home to the Lord then.
As she dozed again THEN I thought to pray!

I stayed around until my sister got off work and once she got there I left.

I am so sad and lost in what to do or say or how to behave in all of this
I do not have a manual or any innate wisdom and at times I am very, very scared.
I think that is probably normal though.

I've always felt like our culture doesn't do a good job of helping young mothers-to-be understand the power and the natural progression of childbirth and then practical facts about the nursing/breast feeding experience. All very natural and beautiful yet at times hard and they take time and work.

Well, I think it's the same with death. We've spent so much time avoiding it and trying to stave it off and stay "forever young" that it is looked upon as the great intruder and not at all as a natural and at times beautiful part of life. We also do not talk about the pain of it very much and the fact that it is an affront to God's plan for life eternal, the result of sin and a fallen world. Rage against it is totally okay and to be expected.

So, I wrestle with all of this and pray that God soon sets my mom free. She is in no pain, she is just so tired and ready.
I trust Him in all of this, but I'm just venting...It's hard to watch someone you love struggle knowing that they are waiting and hoping their next breath is the last one.

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